This isn’t horse related, and I apologize, but I just have to get this out there so people can fully understand my level of emotional distress at the moment.
At 5am on the morning of July 4th I was awakened by something tickling my arm. At first I thought it was my hair so I moved my head around a little, but it didn’t go away. I finally managed to haul my other arm up and brush it off – and felt SOMETHING. Something solid, something large, something that went thunk when I brushed it off and it landed on the floor. This is the point where my eyes flew open and I leaped out of bed like my ass was on fire. I’m assuming I looked something like this:
The SO, true to his ever calm nature, said “What’s the matter?”. I said “THERE WAS SOMETHING CRAWLING ON ME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I THINK IT WAS A ROACH.” He said “Well, it was probably a water bug. Which way did you fling it?”. Me – “At the wall.” Him – “Okay good” and rolls back over to go back to sleep. Me – “SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.” and I go running out of the room like a lunatic to take refuge on the opposite side of the house. A minute later I heard a thud, then SO came padding over to where I was hiding in the guest room and informed me that he had killed it, and I could come back to bed.
I blubbered something incoherent about burning the house down and never going back to that bed ever again, so he just sighed and walked away.
Then I had to pee, so I tiptoed slowly out of the guest bedroom to the bathroom, and was on my way back to the guest bedroom when ANOTHER ONE went running down the hallway. I screamed like a little girl, at which point still ever calm but now exasperated SO came padding back out. He spent some time trying to locate it but it had run behind the couch in the living room and disappeared. Again he tried to convince me to go back to bed but now I was borderline maniacal. I had nowhere to hide.
After again considering burning the house down, I instead did what any (borderline) sane person would do… I turned on every single light, climbed up in one of our counter-height table chairs, crossed my legs Indian style, and stared at the ground around me for the next 3 hours until the sun was fully up and I felt safe again.
Needless to say, the exterminator is coming today. I know I’m crazy but I can’t even walk around in there without being suspicious of every shadow or anything that moves. There’s something about a giant bug being ON ME, in MY BED that violates every code of bug/human coexistence. I’ve been sleeping with the sheet tucked around me as if it’s an impenetrable barrier, and I flat out refuse to open any cabinets.
Dear sweet ever calm SO suggested that we just need to find where they’re getting in and seal it back up. But I said no- oh hell no. This is personal now. I’m sending out a message to the bug community: come in my house, you will die. Come in my bed and you will die, your family will die, and everyone you’ve ever known will die. This is Scarface style shit up in here, and I ain’t messin’ around.