Why I’m scarred for life

This isn’t horse related, and I apologize, but I just have to get this out there so people can fully understand my level of emotional distress at the moment.

At 5am on the morning of July 4th I was awakened by something tickling my arm. At first I thought it was my hair so I moved my head around a little, but it didn’t go away. I finally managed to haul my other arm up and brush it off – and felt SOMETHING. Something solid, something large, something that went thunk when I brushed it off and it landed on the floor. This is the point where my eyes flew open and I leaped out of bed like my ass was on fire. I’m assuming I looked something like this:


The SO, true to his ever calm nature, said “What’s the matter?”. I said “THERE WAS SOMETHING CRAWLING ON ME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I THINK IT WAS A ROACH.” He said “Well, it was probably a water bug. Which way did you fling it?”. Me – “At the wall.” Him – “Okay good” and rolls back over to go back to sleep. Me – “SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.” and I go running out of the room like a lunatic to take refuge on the opposite side of the house. A minute later I heard a thud, then SO came padding over to where I was hiding in the guest room and informed me that he had killed it, and I could come back to bed.

I blubbered something incoherent about burning the house down and never going back to that bed ever again, so he just sighed and walked away.

Then I had to pee, so I tiptoed slowly out of the guest bedroom to the bathroom, and was on my way back to the guest bedroom when ANOTHER ONE went running down the hallway. I screamed like a little girl, at which point still ever calm but now exasperated SO came padding back out. He spent some time trying to locate it but it had run behind the couch in the living room and disappeared. Again he tried to convince me to go back to bed but now I was borderline maniacal. I had nowhere to hide.


After again considering burning the house down, I instead did what any (borderline) sane person would do… I turned on every single light, climbed up in one of our counter-height table chairs, crossed my legs Indian style, and stared at the ground around me for the next 3 hours until the sun was fully up and I felt safe again.

Needless to say, the exterminator is coming today. I know I’m crazy but I can’t even walk around in there without being suspicious of every shadow or anything that moves. There’s something about a giant bug being ON ME, in MY BED that violates every code of bug/human coexistence.  I’ve been sleeping with the sheet tucked around me as if it’s an impenetrable barrier, and I flat out refuse to open any cabinets.

Dear sweet ever calm SO suggested that we just need to find where they’re getting in and seal it back up. But I said no- oh hell no. This is personal now. I’m sending out a message to the bug community: come in my house, you will die. Come in my bed and you will die, your family will die, and everyone you’ve ever known will die. This is Scarface style shit up in here, and I ain’t messin’ around.


18 thoughts on “Why I’m scarred for life

  1. A few nights ago I was putting clean sheets on my bed and a large spider ran out from underneath it right where my head goes (I sleep on a futon on the ground, Japanese-style). I killed it then went to bed several hours later. Around 1 am I woke up to something crawling around my face – the spider’s brother out for revenge. I smacked it and killed it. Took me a while to get to bed. Then, last night, as I was playing a game on the computer, I felt something crawling up my arm. Another spider. I flipped out and smacked myself so hard it still hurts.

    My friends keep telling me I should harness this spider-attracting power….but I’m with you – all bugs must die!


    1. OH MY GOD. We have a couple spiders in the house… I let them stay because a) they’re in places I don’t go, b) they’re little c) they catch the occasional mosquito and fly that makes it into the house. But I did explain to them very clearly that if they ever wander from their territory, I WILL kill them.


  2. Oh yeah, totally appropriate response. I saw a roach in our house once, and I screamed and cried until SO came out and whacked it with a shoe. And then I made him spray hardcore bug killing chemicals everywhere. Because eff bugs, man.


  3. Eeek! I found these weird fuzzy centipede things in our garden….I am still haunted by them. Hopefully you can scarface those creepy crawlies outta there.


  4. A few years ago, when we had property out of town, a scorpion that was bigger than my hand (and I am NOT exaggerating) came creeping out from under the sofa while Hubby and I were watching a movie. I can totally visualize your response as mine was the same. We ending up placing a large glass mixing bowl over the top of it and sliding cardboard underneath so we could carry it outside. It was simply to big to kill in the house.

    We took the monster outside where Hubby had to bash it SEVERAL times with a very large rock. I then turned every light on and forced my husband to move every piece of furniture in the house (including the beds) so that I could vacuum underneath. This was of course late in the evening. There was no way I was going to bed without exterminating all animals that had more than 4 feet! We live back in town, but a bug guy comes to my house every eight weeks to spray for critters (big or small).


    1. Inspector lady just left. We’re now signed up for an initial all-over treatment plus recurring treatment every 2 months. They come on Friday. It’s a little pricey but I swear to god if I ever wake up in the middle of the night with a bug on me again, I will absolutely lose my shit and it will never come back to me. Thank goodness I’ve never seen a scorpion, but many of my friends have them all the time. That’d send me running for the hills too.


  5. See, I don’t have this problem. Because I have a Siamese cat. If there is a bug (which, I’ll be honest, I’m not creeped out by bugs because I used to own tarantulas) and I find it before he does, I’ll just toss it outside. But he’s pretty damn good at pest control.


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