Stories from Spin Class

As you have probably already read, barn/blogger friend Brandy of Auf der Autobahn and I joined the gym in December and have been hitting spin class hot and heavy. I used to spin all the time but haven’t in a year or so, and as I get back into it I’m starting to remember all the fun experiences you only get by partaking in spin. And since it’s the beginning of January, aka Gym Season, I figured now is the time to publicly explore all that spin has to offer.

The people:

If you can talk, you aren’t pedaling hard enough. SHUT UP.

 

That guy who shows up dressed like he’s ready for the Tour de France

Or even worse, the instructor who thinks he’s in the Tour de France. “C’mon team, who wants that yellow jersey? Let’s go get it!”. You have got to be freaking kidding me right? “Hill climb! The Alps are beautiful!”. I’m sure they are. Unfortunately we’re in a tiny stinky room in a semi-decrepit old gym in the middle of Austin. And no I do not want to high five you after class, I’m never coming back here again because you’re obviously a complete nutjob.

spinning cycling stereotypes rateyourburn types guy having the best time of his life
the Way Too Perky people. I really hate these people and want to punch them right in the face. Nothing ruins my workout more than a bunch of WOOOOO’s coming from some perky chick. Sweat in miserable silence like the rest of us fatties.

We had a lady in last Saturday’s class who looked like she walked straight out of an 80’s Jazzercize video… short hair with the sweatband around her head pushing the hair up, big bright white sneakers and a super colorful top. I think she considered herself Queen of Spin, because she WOOHOO’d just about every two minutes. At 10:00am. On a Saturday. I spent the entire class daydreaming about choking her out with that damn sweatband.

That guy who spends three hours lifting weights then comes into spin halfway through class and tries to get his cardio in. They’re too big to pedal normally, it’s fantastic to watch. Like a gorilla on a tricycle.

 

The ones who breathe loudly, complain audibly, and are waaaay overdramatic. HTFU (google it) people, and have some dignity. I don’t need to hear the details of your impeding death, I’ll get the message loud and clear when your body hits the floor.

 

The experience:

Don’t worry, the pain in your butt will mostly go away in 2 or 3 days. Mostly.

 

If you don’t suffer from Overactive Boob Sweat syndrome, consider yourselves lucky. I can make puddles.

Right before your heart explodes, when you’re on death’s doorstep, motivational exercise quotes start flashing before your eyes in rapid succession.

YEAH! I’m a champion! I need a medic! But I’m a champion!

 

You can’t break me, spin instructor. I’ll quit when I’m dead. Which will be very soon.

 

But I swear I saw another inspirational quote about how nothing is forever…

 

and wasn’t there also a quote about never say never? What the hell, now I’m just confused.

This is also when you think, “I’m not sure which is stupider – me or spin class. What a bunch of idiots we all are…”

The aftermath:

First you go home and whine about it. Bonus points if you also whine on facebook.

For real… it’s a near death experience every single time.

But the fun really begins when you wake up the next day

The sentence “I broke my whole body” comes out of your mouth on a regular basis.

 

God be with you if you happen to develop a chafing problem.

 

Don’t worry, the pain in the rest of your body will mostly distract you from the pain in your lady bits. See, that’s me having a positive outlook. You’re welcome.

and you’re not so steady on your feet.

as long as you don’t have to lower yourself onto a toilet seat or walk up stairs, you’re golden.

But hey… you can burn 400-800 calories in an hour long spin class. So get your butt to spin and have a few more donuts, it’ll all equal out in the end. And if you eat them right before class you’ll probably puke them up anyway.

20 thoughts on “Stories from Spin Class

  1. Omg. I used to go to 5am spin class. It was one of my favorite things ever, not for the exercise, but for the crazy. I’m sure people thought I was nuts, too. Because my asthma requires me to breath loudly and in a funny rhythm when doing high intensity exercise, I would try to hang out in the back of class.

    Tell me, though. Does it gross anyone else out how much sweat there is under some bikes in class? I mean. People. Mop that shit up before you leave. There are towels for a reason! Somebody is going to slip and fall in there!

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  2. I tried spin for a few months, and it was even at a very nice, very small, fancy pants gym. I just can’t do the whole gym equipment thing for very long because I start to feel like a lab rat. My home gym has 4 hooves and a pesky penchant for an occasional startling flight response.

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