The Rattlesnake Apocalypse

Jen’s post yesterday about snakes reminded me that I haven’t yet told the story of Rattlesnakepocalypse 2015 to the readers here. Maybe because just thinking about it makes me shudder and triggers severe PTSD. I should start off by saying that in the 19 years I have lived in Texas, I’ve seen ONE rattlesnake. ONE. And that was a few years ago. Granted, I saw it only because after it bit my lease horse Kai on the nose, the grooms went and found it and killed it.

This is what a $900 vet bill for a snake bite to the nose looks like, in case you’re wondering. Poor Kai.

We know the snakes are there, but we basically never see them. It’s really rare to find them near any place with regular activity (like a barn) and if you do stumble upon one, they tend to want to get the hell out of dodge just as much as you do.

This year however… this is the end of times. Pretty sure the Bible was wrong about the plague of locusts, it’s a plague of rattlers. First the Barn Owner found this little guy in the garage

Which – ok, the garage, I can give him that. It’s pretty quiet in there and he might have found something to eat.

But then one showed up at the barn. This is ultra strange because #1 – there’s a lot of horse and people activity. #2 There’s cats. #3 I have never seen a rodent or even a hint of a rodent in that barn. They stay out in the fields in their own little world and we never see them. WHY ARE YOU HERE, SNAKE?

This guy was BIG. Not as big as I’ve seen online, but BIG when you’re standing there staring at it. He was slowly making his way up the back of the stalls behind the barn when we found him. Brandy and I tried to kill him with a shovel but he managed to wedge himself into a small space so instead we just babysat him until the BO could get down there and kill him. And when I say Brandy and I tried to kill him with a shovel, I mean Brandy tried to kill him with a shovel while I ran backwards at a high rate of speed. And when I say we babysat him I mean Brandy watched him while I said “HE DIDN’T MOVE, DID HE? IS HE STILL THERE?”.

This is Brandy: “Wow he’s so interesting looking. Wow it’s so LOUD. Wow I’ve never seen one before!”

This is me: DIS BITCH AIN’T GONNA DIE TODAY

And then, a few days later, the BO almost stepped on one just hanging out in the barn aisle when she went down to do night check.

A neighbor a mile or so down the road found a little one on their driveway, so it’s not just us.

That was bad enough right? Snakes in the barn. Snakes near the horses. Snakes everywhere. But wait, it gets worse. A few days later Dressage Trainer, whose barn is about 10 minutes away, sent this picture of a visitor he found in his barn bathroom.

Martinsnake

Yes that’s the shower. Yes that’s a giant freaking rattlesnake wrapped around the shower curtain rod.

My most sane and logical response to this picture was pretty much that we should just burn down the entire place. That’s the only reasonable thing I can think of.

Then I decided I’m not safe inside OR outside and now I’ve got this new habit of checking around the toilet for snakes. And the shower. And the bed. And the closet. And my tack trunk. And my car. And basically everywhere I go or think about going. Yes I live in the city and the snakes seem to prefer the country. Don’t care. They could be anywhere. Rattlesnakepocalypse 2015, y’all.

If anyone needs me I’ll be moving to Canada.

64 thoughts on “The Rattlesnake Apocalypse

  1. That giant NOPE on the shower curtain rod is good enough reason to never move south…in fact I think I may be pushing the limits already in Indiana. This is horrifying….stay safe you guys!

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      1. It’s too cold for most things in Alaska. One of the only reasons I miss it is because of the lack of scary things. The mosquitoes are giant, but I feel like I could suck it up and deal with them.

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    1. True story: Rattlers are super common in Brown County. Like, they advise never going off trail there, and being super cautious.

      Also, we have Copperheads in Indiana. So, STAY OUT OF THE FREAKING LAKES. I don’t have a problem with snakes, until I’m FUCKING SWIMMING WITH ONE! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

      Childhood nightmares right there, yo.

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      1. OH HELL NO!

        This is why I do not swim in ponds or lakes in Ohio. I saw a snake swimming in a lake when I was at church camp as a 9 year old. From that moment on, I decided that swimming in ponds and lakes was best left to those who don’t freak the fuck out about snakes and/or have a death wish. We have copperheads too and NO, JUST NO! Also, I do not like lakes because eels. They are basically fish-snakes.

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  2. Did you hear that they’ve been finding rattlesnakes in the Capital building downtown? Apparently one bit someone last week. Awesome.

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  3. OMG I know remember why I LEFT TEXAS> Homesick gone. Stay in DELAWARE LOL

    I have shivers and chills and gross outs going on here i dont think i can look at the photos again!!

    UGH UGH UGH you might want to move up here, we have extra room 🙂

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  4. neil degrasse tyson is my spirit animal. i even touched the rattler (when it was dead–i’m not an idiot!). it was so cool! i really wanted to see its fangs, but that tested the limits of my certainty that it was dead.

    what was really creepy was how it kept slithering even after charlie bashed it.

    also, it was so dense. when i hit it with the shovel, the shovel practically recoiled. it was like one big giant muscle!

    oh, and remember sherri saying that it looked like it had just eaten something. amazing!

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    1. Fun fact that snakes can move for hours once they are dead. And not so fun fact that dead poisonous snakes can still strike somewhat (depending on how mangled it is)!

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  5. HOLY SHIT. I am going to have nightmares for weeks about that shower snake. WEEKS.

    PS- any post with a Monty Python gif wins the Post of the Day award. Congrats 🙂

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  6. Wow that is crazy!! Hope those are the last you have to encounter. Maybe y’all should bring in a bunch of King snakes to take care of your rattlesnake problem.

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  7. I never did see a rattlesnake when I lived in San Antonio, which I am thankful for. Though, there was one morning that I scooped up a handful of baby snake with Chloe’s morning hay…that was pretty gross! We just had a large snake (non-rattler version I am assuming), visit the arena this last weekend, now I make sure I double check my boots before I put them on, the tack room, etc….

    The one in the bathrrom would have been the end for me!

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  8. NO. NOT OK. I am on the lookout everytime I am at the barn. CA desert = rattle snakes. There are lots of little bunnies running around and I know the snakes are out there. I like to think it’s busy enough around the barn and horses that they would not hang around. But still, constant vigilance!

    They have found 2 (that I know of!) near the house at the front of the property. No coot, snakes.

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  9. gross gross gross gross gross

    my best friend lives in Texas and often sends me snake photos – snakes in the barn, snakes with chickens, snakes in house, snakes everywhere. I’m just thankful the snakes in Tennessee aren’t bad…

    gross gross gross.

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  10. Is it wrong I actually feel bad for the snakes?

    Like, I get that they do not belong in a barn but I don’t think they want to be killed (obv I realize you can’t do much about it) 😦

    Kinda feel bad for the gaffers – wrong place, wrong time and all that.

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    1. My boyfriend does too. I however, do not. It’d be different if it was a harmless snake, but one that can kill a human or an animal unfortunately has to go once it crosses into a space where it becomes a threat. Coexistence just isn’t safe.

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  11. I was just scrolling through cringing at the pics until the shower one.

    NOPE.

    NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NO WAY. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

    I’ve read all the comments and my skin is STILL crawling. Gross. yuck. ew. NO! (how many ways can I express how skeezed out I am by this?)

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  12. Ha, Aimee sent me the snake on the shower rod picture and it made me super happy. And confused. Because rattlesnakes don’t like water. But I didn’t know it was from YOU. I’m sorry. I know the average human does not enjoy rattlesnakes. I do, but I am weird as hell and they don’t be climbing on things in my house.

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  13. I lived in North Fort Worth for 10 years, my family had a pact. If we ever found any snake in the house, we were selling the house…furnished! Us, the clothes on our backs and our animals were leaving!

    Burning the barn down seem perfectly acceptable to me. Glad we are back in the PNW. I will take some cloudy days over the snakes anytime!

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  14. This is curiously well-timed because today, for the first time ever, I saw a HUGE gopher snake IN OUR ARENA. When I petted him on the tail (he was moving slowly and I wanted to pat him, naturally) he slithered further IN to the arena, instead of out into the grassy border!! Silly guy. I escorted him to the outside of the arena where he would be safe. I’ve seen baby king snakes before (king snakes and rattlers don’t overlap, fortunately!) in our drainage ditch, but never anything that big. It was cool!

    Rattlesnakes however are uncool and I believe we should all avoid one another and that would be just great thx.

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  15. Oh hell no, now I don’t even want to go home to NM next week. Too close.
    BRB, taking up… squash or racquetball or something indoors and where those don’t exist.

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  16. THAT IS SO COOL! I’m with Brandy… I love snakes. Not that rattlers in a barn is a good thing… but… they are really awesome and fascinating! We actually do have rattlers here in PA up in the mountains so I’ve seen one or two. However… if there was one in my shower that would be pretty scary!

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