Jen’s post yesterday about snakes reminded me that I haven’t yet told the story of Rattlesnakepocalypse 2015 to the readers here. Maybe because just thinking about it makes me shudder and triggers severe PTSD. I should start off by saying that in the 19 years I have lived in Texas, I’ve seen ONE rattlesnake. ONE. And that was a few years ago. Granted, I saw it only because after it bit my lease horse Kai on the nose, the grooms went and found it and killed it.
We know the snakes are there, but we basically never see them. It’s really rare to find them near any place with regular activity (like a barn) and if you do stumble upon one, they tend to want to get the hell out of dodge just as much as you do.
This year however… this is the end of times. Pretty sure the Bible was wrong about the plague of locusts, it’s a plague of rattlers. First the Barn Owner found this little guy in the garage
Which – ok, the garage, I can give him that. It’s pretty quiet in there and he might have found something to eat.
But then one showed up at the barn. This is ultra strange because #1 – there’s a lot of horse and people activity. #2 There’s cats. #3 I have never seen a rodent or even a hint of a rodent in that barn. They stay out in the fields in their own little world and we never see them. WHY ARE YOU HERE, SNAKE?
This guy was BIG. Not as big as I’ve seen online, but BIG when you’re standing there staring at it. He was slowly making his way up the back of the stalls behind the barn when we found him. Brandy and I tried to kill him with a shovel but he managed to wedge himself into a small space so instead we just babysat him until the BO could get down there and kill him. And when I say Brandy and I tried to kill him with a shovel, I mean Brandy tried to kill him with a shovel while I ran backwards at a high rate of speed. And when I say we babysat him I mean Brandy watched him while I said “HE DIDN’T MOVE, DID HE? IS HE STILL THERE?”.
This is Brandy: “Wow he’s so interesting looking. Wow it’s so LOUD. Wow I’ve never seen one before!”
This is me: DIS BITCH AIN’T GONNA DIE TODAY
And then, a few days later, the BO almost stepped on one just hanging out in the barn aisle when she went down to do night check.
A neighbor a mile or so down the road found a little one on their driveway, so it’s not just us.
That was bad enough right? Snakes in the barn. Snakes near the horses. Snakes everywhere. But wait, it gets worse. A few days later Dressage Trainer, whose barn is about 10 minutes away, sent this picture of a visitor he found in his barn bathroom.
Yes that’s the shower. Yes that’s a giant freaking rattlesnake wrapped around the shower curtain rod.
My most sane and logical response to this picture was pretty much that we should just burn down the entire place. That’s the only reasonable thing I can think of.
Then I decided I’m not safe inside OR outside and now I’ve got this new habit of checking around the toilet for snakes. And the shower. And the bed. And the closet. And my tack trunk. And my car. And basically everywhere I go or think about going. Yes I live in the city and the snakes seem to prefer the country. Don’t care. They could be anywhere. Rattlesnakepocalypse 2015, y’all.
If anyone needs me I’ll be moving to Canada.