As I mentioned yesterday, Saturday was a rough day for me. It seems excessively silly to me to say even that, because nothing actually happened, but I did a whole lot of introspection on the drive to and from the rehab place.
I am not an emotional person. I’m not touchy-feely, hugs make me super uncomfortable, and talking about feelings is pretty much a no-go, ever. I also don’t tend to fall in love with horses. Since I was 18 I’ve pretty much gone from one horse to the next, buying with the intent to sell. I’ve been quite fond of some of my horses, but I’ve never gotten super attached. Even Sadie has been for sale. Henry was purchased specifically for resale. I had a decent offer on him at one point, and I had a number in my head that I would have sold him for that wasn’t far from said offer. Luckily it didn’t pan out.
I’ve always had an “everything is for sale for the right price” mentality, and I kind of always keep a number in my head for every horse… the amount of money it would take for me to sell them. For some of them it was pretty low, for others it was slightly inflated. Henry’s number started out pretty reasonable, and over the past year it’s gotten so inflated that it’s several times what he’s actually worth – far beyond what anyone would ever pay for him. That wasn’t something I did consciously… I didn’t really realize it until now, but the totally unrealistic dollar amount I put on him in my head is definitely a reflection of where my heart is at.
Somehow all of these realizations hit me all at once, and I found myself sitting at the end of the driveway at the rehab place after dropping Henry off, bawling my eyes out. I knew that I’d gotten attached to him, I knew that I was immensely proud of him, and I knew that he was definitely my favorite horse that I’ve ever had, but until all of this happened I didn’t really realize how deep that went.
Until I started throwing my leg over other horses, I didn’t realize just how much I love riding Henry. Until I had to drive away and leave him at the rehab place, I didn’t realize how much I love having that goofy face neighing at me every day. Somewhere along the way, I really fell in love with this horse.
And so I cried pretty much the whole way home, and on and off all afternoon. Why? I don’t really know. It’s pretty ridiculous in the grand scheme of things. 1) It’s a fairly minor injury 2) Henry is close enough, and my schedule is such that I’ll be able to go see him once or twice a week 3) He’s only there for a month. This isn’t a huge deal at all, much worse things can happen. But man… what a reality check this is turning out to be. I am obviously way more attached to him than I thought I was, and I guess I know that now.
Crap. Guess that whole resale thing isn’t really gonna work out, is it…