When Bobby and I were in the truck driving to our lesson this past weekend, he asked me what my show plans were for the year. I just kind of shrugged and said “I dunno.” And it’s true, I really don’t know. Despite the fact that we have a show this weekend, I just haven’t felt very dedicated to the whole serious showing thing right now. That goal of “chill out about shows in 2017” hasn’t been all that difficult so far, to be honest.
Maybe it’s because 2015 and 2016 were SO show-oriented. I lived and breathed a show schedule, first in qualifying for AEC in 2015 and then the 3 Day in 2016. Every show was vitally important and I had to be really aware of how I spent my dollars. This year though? Meh. Meh is really the only word I have for it. I want my horse and I to continue to move forward and get better, of course, but for once I’m not measuring success in the form of show results and qualifications. There is no big lofty goal that I feel like we have to hit, and I don’t have a detailed, planned out show schedule.
I do still want to get in the ring, for sure. I need to get more experience under my belt at the new level, and I want to show, I just don’t want my life to revolve around it. I have a vague overall plan… there are a few more schooling shows I want to hit this spring if the timing works out (but I won’t be upset if it doesn’t), and I’m thinking our first recognized of the year will be Feather Creek in June. There’s a recognized at our regular schooling venue in April, and I have every reason to go, but I’m just not feeling it right now. I keep looking at the Omnibus, feeling like I should go. I have no reason NOT to, so I should WANT to, right? But I don’t. For no particular reason, it’s just not calling to me.
Maybe I managed to burn myself out a little bit in the past two years. Maybe I’m just too preoccupied with upcoming Baby Horse (holy shit, only another month or so to go!) to focus that much on showing. Maybe after losing the fall season due to my horse being injured gave me a different perspective. Maybe since Trainer is pregnant and “out” for the spring season, I’ve decided to let myself off the hook for a little while with the serious shows too. Maybe it’s a combination of all of those things.
But for once I don’t have a very specific plan. I don’t feel a twinge of envy when I see other people entering all these shows or planning an extensive show season. There’s zero FOMO here. It’s weird because part of me is like “You need to focus!” and the other part of me is like “MEH.”. It’s been kind of a nice change to just immerse myself in lessons, enter a show if I feel like it, not enter it if I don’t feel like it, and enjoy my horse. Things are pretty fluid around here these days.
It’s been weird though, because it’s almost as if I feel like I’m doing something wrong here. Like I need permission to take my foot off the gas a little bit. Like I’m obligated to want to go to all these shows or something. I almost feel a little guilty about my total ambivalence. Weird how the psyche works, I guess?