Human Fountain

On Friday I took off work early so we could head up to Willow Draw for one last XC school before Coconino. It’s a 4 hour drive, and it’s hot, so we decided to drive up on Friday, school on Saturday morning, and then drive home. That makes it slightly less awful. We got there Friday evening, rode the horses for all of 10 minutes (lord, the humidity), went to get food, and then went to bed.

staring out towards the start box, as one does

On Saturday morning all started out normal. I got up, fed the horses, changed, and started prepping all my stuff. Then my stomach started hurting. Then I found myself in the bathroom 3 times in the span of an hour. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I realized my stomach was not happy. I swung up on my horse just hoping I wouldn’t have to make an emergency run for the bushes while we were riding. I dunno what’s up with me lately but the last 3 times I’ve seen Trainer, I’ve been either sick or injured. Maybe it’s her. (just kidding… maybe…)

Image result for voodoo gif
Stop it.

Henry was On Fire with a wild hair up his butt, very happy to be back out in his element. We had to have a couple of discussions about who’s actually in charge of the speed at which we travel and where we leave the ground. He was super game though, definitely his normal self, which is a relief since I tried to kill us at our last XC schooling and I was worried it might affect his confidence. Yeah, no. Zero percent. He was balls to the wall and very delighted to be there.

We didn’t do a whole lot, no need to jump his legs off right before a long trip, we just wanted to get him listening and balanced and get our heads back into the XC game. Rideability was the focus. By the midway point of the school I started feeling like I might puke, but I managed to hold it together until the end. Something was definitely up. By this point I was in what could only be called severe gastric distress, I just wasn’t sure which end was ultimately going to suffer most. You know what makes for a really long drive home? Someone who has to stop at regular intervals to become a human fountain. It was horrific. Indescribably bad. I had Satan inside of me.

Image result for out satan gif

We eventually made it back to the barn late afternoon, got the horses unloaded, and then I started driving home. At which point I became concerned I wouldn’t actually make it before Satan made another appearance. I had the pedal to the metal, white-knuckling the steering wheel. By the time I Toyko-drifted into my neighborhood I was sweating profusely. My normally 40 minute drive took 33 minutes. Y’all, this was one of the most distressed times of my life. I made it to the bathroom, but barely. The neighbor was outside when I came screeching into my driveway and made a mad dash for the house, so I don’t know what he thinks but either way he’s probably right.

By that point I was definitely convinced I had food poisoning, and I capped off my delightful day by puking 6 times in half an hour. That seemed to finally do the trick though, or just managed to empty me out so completely that there was nothing left for my body to be angry about. Either way, it was a sweet relief. I spent yesterday rehydrating and ate some soup, all of which stayed down just fine. My appetite isn’t back to 100%, but the human fountain episodes are gone, so all seems to be well now. Talk about some really freaking great timing though. Lord.

Image result for out satan gif

So that was… a fun… experience.

But Henry feels great, and he looks great, and despite spending 8 hours in a trailer and plus an XC school all within 24 hours he was still apparently wild enough to run laps in turnout that evening while Presto and Dobby buried their heads in the round bale. I jokingly told the vet that maybe he put in too much hock juice. I’m totally okay with it though, I like it when he feels good, even if it means he’s extra sassy.

And now, let the packing commence. 2 more work days until I’m free!

33 thoughts on “Human Fountain

  1. Omg I am so sorry, but I am DYING laughing at my desk. I can only imagine what my boss thinks is going on here. I am glad you are ok now, and I am SUPER glad that you didn’t fall off mid-human-fountain-episode O.o

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  2. I’m also dying laughing, but glad you’re feeling better! This one really got me, “I don’t know what he thinks but either way he’s probably right.”

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      1. i was going to say that was the neighbor you avoided when all the amazon shit was being delivered. Pretty sure he thinks you are weird already 🙂 HA glad you are feeling better and i cant even imagine riding let alone riding a happy dolphin like Henry!! 🙂

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  3. This reminded me strongly of the sugar free Harini gummy bears Amazon reviews – if you haven’t read those yet, definitely do so as I’m sure you’ll be able to commiserate 😂

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  4. This reminded me strongly of the sugar free Haribo gummy bears Amazon reviews – if you haven’t read those yet, definitely do so as I’m sure you’ll be able to commiserate 😂

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  5. I’m not usually much of an empath, but I’m totally with you on the food poisoning thing. I’ve only been there once and it was truly horrific not knowing whether to sit down or bend over in the bathroom. Took me a week to even begin to feel normal again. I have no idea how you managed to ride a horse, let alone make the drive home!

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  6. I guess you’re kinda lucky that it didn’t go the other route…it is bad enough to have “the runs” at home, but at rest stops? Or any public toilet? Nooooo….

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  7. Oh man. Food poisoning is the WORST. And even more so when you are traveling. That’s nightmare shit right there (literally). I had food poisoning or maybe just a stomach bug who knows, a couple years ago, and I’m honestly still traumatized. Glad you’re feeling better!
    Also happy to hear that Henry is feeling great and ready for Coconino! Can’t wait to read all about that!

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  8. Human Fountain may replace my current favorite descriptor of “Gastric Pyrotechnics”. My TallerHalf almost choked to death laughing the first time he heard me use that one.

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  9. I don’t think there is anything more miserable than having both ends threatening to explode and you are already hot and away from home. Glad it seemed to pass quickly.

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  10. Oh, MAN… that was brutal! I would DEFINITELY have had to bail off the horse and leave everything to my companion. As an IBS sufferer I totally sympathize, especially with the white-knuckle driving, because unfortunately I experience the human fountain thing (just from one end) on a routine basis. 😦 SUPER-embarrassing to try to explain to people (“Yeah, I’m really sick right now, but I’ll be okay in a couple hours.” “Huh? What’s wrong? How do you know that?”) I’m glad the person you were with seems to have been understanding, at least!

    Glad Henry is feeling so peppy and that your illness passed. You’re going to have a super trip! Think of how much worse if you’d actually BEEN at Coconino already…

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  11. It looked nothing like what I imagined the aftermath of gummi bears to look like. You sat up there white as a ghost making heaving motions with your entire body, eyes as wide as they could get, then you went galloping off again and again jumping houses and ditches full of snakes and what not. Husband asked me later, do you think she is alright. Nope, I hope she makes it on the drive home was the reply. Glad it didn’t extend to Sunday!

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  12. I’ve always liked “sick to your bum” to describe this ailment. I might have to start using “human fountain” though!
    Better this weekend than the Coconino weekend!

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