Well, friends, I’m afraid I have to be the bearer of some tragic news today and announce that our dear friend Ball has passed away.

To be more accurate, he was murdered. By his one and only friend Presto. Granted, their relationship has been abusive from the start so this might not be much of a shock to any of you. In fact, most of us are probably more like “wow, I can’t believe Ball lasted as long as he did”. But, you know, that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Presto was the only one who liked Ball at all, indeed most were terrified and offended by his very existence, so what choice did Ball really have in friends? Presto did love him, just in a slightly… warped and violent way. In fact, you might even say that ultimately Ball was loved to death. There are worse ways to go.

Ball was only with us for only a relatively short time, just a few months, but lets be honest, that’s about 2.5 months longer than anyone really expected. We’ve always known how this would end. The writing has been on the wall from the moment Ball had the ultimate misfortune of landing on my doorstep. In the words of Dean Koontz, “fate cannot be sidestepped or outrun.”. Such definitely proved to be the case with Ball, destined for a short but well-lived life.

His last day was a busy one, and he got a lot of attention. Ball even enjoyed a little airborne time in the morning, and I hope that in those moments he felt free and at peace.

Because that very evening he was stomped to death. An ugly end, to be sure, but once he sustained the death blow it was all over very quickly. Just… POP… and there he went. The life gushed right out of him via a gaping quarter-sized hole. It was a gracious and dignified end for a faithful friend.

Presto has shown no remorse for what he claims to have been an accident, but he does seem to miss Ball. While they didn’t play together every day, the times they did share were rollicking, exhilarating, and memorable. Ball, you will be greatly missed, and there will never be another quite like you. 

Ok that’s not true, another one that literally looks exactly like you will have the same misfortune of being delivered here today. But, ya know… Ball 2 has a big cover to fill, I think we can all agree on that. Will he be as faithful and durable as you were, loyal friend? Time will tell.

Cheers to you, Ball, some of the best $25 I’ve ever spent.